This morning I woke up wrapped in a sheet like a mummy. Nothing odd about that but my bedclothes, a t shirt and boxers, were in a pile next to me and they were wet. I turned on the light and little bits of what looked like jello glistened in a pool of a phlegm like substance. Next to that was some crumpled Mylar. It was as if some sorority birthday girl had broken into my room and vomited a night’s worth of Jell-O shots onto my clothes. However, on examination, the Mylar was not a balloon but an emptied gel pack and I was able quite quickly to deduce what had happened.
Last night was very hot and being down to one poorly working air conditioner that I left in the living room for Dan because he is ill, I must have gotten up and gone to the freezer in the middle of the night in search of a frozen turkey with which to sleep. I’m basically vegan but once had a frozen turkey stored in my freezer but I don’t want to talk about that. Anyway, finding no frozen turkey, I grabbed the next best thing, a frozen gel pack. Unfortunately, it somehow sustained a hole and, upon thawing some time later, evacuated its contents all over my body. I was able to rouse myself enough to remove my bedclothes. It’s a shame I finally buried the juvenile raccoon I had in the freezer for so long.