So this horrible thing happened the other night. You know how you are watching Seinfeld or old Law and Orders or something good and, just as your xanax vodka cocktail kicks in, something awful comes on? And the remote control is like a whole foot away on the coffee table and there is no way you can reach it? That’s how I ended up seeing The Help, one of the worst movies ever created. Like, Get Out is supposed to make white liberals squeamish but nothing in that movie could compare to the horror of The Help. I was never so embarrassed to be a white liberal in my life. I wanted to rip up my college entrance essay and pretty much every Sociology paper, too. Anyway, that was last year but it happened again. This time, I was totally minding my own business, doing some Ken Ken and watching the Ass Man episode of Seinfeld when it happened. Just as my eyes started to roll around and I felt the left side of my face spank the glossy page of the NY Times Magazine, a movie called, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days came on. If you have ever seen it, you can imagine the horror. There I was trapped watching Kate Hudson playing some plucky writer for some stupid womens’ magazine and Matthew Mcconaughy playing some douchebag. I’m sure it was a big reach for him. Anyway, She’s trying to do all the wrong things women do while dating a douchebag that gets them dumped and he is trying to do all the right things a guy can do and you really just hope a sharknado will come tearing their bodies apart and splattering their remains all over Manhattan. I kind of doubt it but maybe that is, in fact, how it ended because, although I wasn’t smart enough to leave the remote control within reach, I did have the bottle of xanax right in front of me on the crossword puzzle next to the Ken Ken. I managed to get one out with my right hand which, luckily, wasn’t stuck under my hip like the other one. I stuck it in my mouth but had no liquid to swallow it with so I just sucked it like a lozenge. It was bitter as hell but I just swallowed the bitterness. Anything to get away from Kate Hudson secretly and enthusiastically catching the game with the kitchen crew while Matthew Mcdouchahay tried to be Prince Charming. Finally, I drifted off. These people have plenty of money. Why do they need to make us suffer?