I think Joan Jett just broke up with me. As some of you know we met at the Catskill Animal Sanctuary last spring and have been pretty much exclusive since. At first it really was perfect. On a typical day, we’d take a long hike and then go back to my place to try on each others’ tight PETA t shirts or body paint lingerie on each other and drink herbal tea. But there is a dark side to Joan. Well, not dark exactly but over sensitive, super insecure, competitive and ego driven. We’re real homebodies but Friday night the Rocky Horror Picture Show was playing at a theater and I wanted to go. Well, she didn’t want to. I said, “Come on it will be great. You already have a Columbia outfit!”. But no. She was afraid she’d be recognized and bothered. I told her Keanu Reeves and Daniel Craig, Mr. 007 himself, have visited the neighborhood and nobody mobbed them so she was probably safe. THAT was my first mistake. She was all like, “You don’t think I’m as famous as Keanu Reeves?”. Then she stormed into the bathroom and pouted for like an hour. Apparently, the only thing worse than going out and being mobbed is going out and NOT being mobbed! So, I tried to smooth it over as best as I could and (Thank God!!) I had some chocolate vegan ice cream in freezer. By the time, the movie was about to start, she agreed to go, though sans her Columbia outfit. She threw on this wig she picked up at the flea market and some Halloween sunglasses. The movie began and I could see she was actually enjoying it. By the time Sweet Transvestite was over, she was holding my hand. Then during the ‘floor show’, I commented that Little Nell had a perfect booty and it was probably due to all her tap dancing. EXPLOSION!! She threw her popcorn at me and stormed out of the theatre. You guys probably see my mistake. You don’t admire another woman’s ass in front of your girlfriend. And I should know this because, previously I dated men, some of whom were jerks who said similar things and I got pissed off. But, I thought maybe it was different if you are both girls. Apparently not. So, I leave, too, totally embarrassed but I don’t think many people noticed because everyone was really into the movie. I find her sobbing in front of the theatre. I apologized and I was really sincere but it turns out the booty comment wasn’t the only problem. I hadn’t known this but, when Joan was doing The Rocky Horror on Broadway, her lack of tap dancing skills had been a real problem for her. She is super competitive like I said and she couldn’t stand the fact that Little Nell may have been a better Columbia. Anyway, she took off and I figured she’d just calm down and it would all be over. However, when she didn’t return that night OR yesterday I knew there was a serious problem. I finally got her to answer her phone and she was still upset. She was all like, “Why don’t you date Little Nell if she is such a great dancer? If tap dancing is so hot to you why don’t you go take some tapping lessons and hit on the teacher?” Nothing I said would get her over this tap dancing insecurity. Finally, she screamed, “Why don’t you go rent ‘All That Jazz’ and jerk off. Then she hung up on me.   I mean, is this a girl thing?  Do guys have to deal with this all the time and I just never realized?